


Objects In the Rear View Mirror (are as hot as they appear)

by gala_apples



Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Dirty Talk, Exhibitionism, F/F, F/M, Reckless Driving, Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-01
Updated: 2013-06-01
Packaged: 2017-12-13 15:13:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/825761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gala_apples/pseuds/gala_apples
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Happy likes many things. He likes driving. He likes dirty jokes. He likes the thrill he gets when Tony and Pepper and Natasha make him do things that are really stupid.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Objects In the Rear View Mirror (are as hot as they appear)

Happy can’t stop checking the rearview mirror. He’s done it about a dozen times in the last minute. Each time Pepper is still reading something on her phone. Each time Tony is still grumpily drinking his glass of scotch. Happy didn’t notice Tony bring the glass in with him, but this car doesn’t have all the same services a limo does. The only way he’d have a scotch on rocks is if he thought to take it out of the mansion.

Maybe once Tony’s done his drink they’ll do something. There’s nowhere flat to put a glass of booze in the back, except for the floor, and Pepper might murder someone if it tipped and stained her designer shoes. She makes a fortune as Tony’s PA, but she’s still doesn’t have the blase attitude towards the destruction of items that Tony does, having been born to riches. She might never have it. Pepper’s not built the way Tony is. Not that anyone really is.

Or maybe Tony’s just drinking to entertain himself while Pepper’s finishing reading a contract. Maybe she’s the one they’re waiting for. Happy doesn’t know, and can’t ask. That’s not his role in this.

*

Pepper’s knees are up at her ears. Tony’s fucking her hard, there’s the occasional thud when the top of Pepper’s head hits the door before they both scoot back to the left side of the car. A vibrator the size of Tony’s pinky is resting on her labia, buzzing merrily. Happy wouldn’t be surprised if Tony invented the toy himself. With the suitcase version of his armour just completed, and his disinterest in weapons as strong as it was the day he came back from Afghanistan, Happy can easily see Tony branching off into other areas of mechanics.

Happy doesn’t have much to say. ‘You’re really pounding her’ is the best he can do. He should be more specific, more descriptive. That’s what he’s here for, why they’re doing this in the car. But the jet that’s waiting takes off at six am, which means Happy was eating breakfast at four thirty to have Pepper and Tony out of the penthouse and into the car by five. He dropped Tony off after last call last night, he didn’t even get to his own apartment until just before four. Tony might thrive on two hours sleep, but Happy didn’t even bother to change his shirt, never mind enter his bedroom. He’s too tired to be the extra kink to their relationship today. Maybe when they get back on Tuesday, after he’s had time to sleep.

*

They play this game sometimes. Pepper and Tony mess around in the back seat -sometimes solo, usually together- and it’s Happy’s job to watch in the rearview mirror and narrate. If he gets it wrong they stop for the remainder of the ride. He’s gotten quite good at knowing what different moans mean.

It works for all of them for different reasons. For his part, Happy gets off on the recklessness of it. It’s far better than the high speed hide and seek games he and Tony sometimes play. Not that the speeding isn’t fun in itself. Happy just doesn’t like being pulled over. Sex narration doesn’t come with the same risks. Yes, on occasion he ends up veering into the other lane. But he always notices and pulls the car straight before any damage is done, and way before a cop notices and starts the sirens.

*

“You’re tilting your hips so Tony can get better access. He’s sliding your panties down your legs, slowly enough that he can rub the pads of his fingers against your thighs. You’re pulling your knees up so he can unhook them from your foot. The crotch of them is already wet, you’ve been waiting for this since you both get in the car.”

*

Sex narration doesn’t happen every time they get into the car, of course. That would be impractical. Depending on the day and list of tasks, sometimes Tony and Pepper are in and out of the car thirty times before end of day. Coming thirty times in sixteen hours is probably impossible.

More importantly, it would be too easy. Happy knows BF Skinner’s theory as much as anyone else who took psych 101 in university. Put a rat in a cage with a push lever that dispenses one food pellet per push and the rat grows bored and pushes it only when it requires food. Make it a random dispensation and the rat will push the lever under it dies. Pepper and Tony know the best way to hold his attention is to only have sex sometimes.

*

“She knows you’re about to go down on her, and she can’t wait to feel your goatee on her smooth cunt.”

*

Tony and Pepper’s breakup hurts. It’s Tony and Rhodey that set off the proverbial bomb, all shattered windows and screaming women, but it’s Tony and Pepper that really feel the fallout. All of a sudden it’s divy up the resources, rent apart the schedules, pick your team for never shall the two meet. Happy decides to not pick sides, but then he’s picking up Pepper from her house and driving her to work, and he doesn’t even know if Tony’s still in country, so really, realistically speaking, he’s picked his side.

Happy feels bad that Tony’s holed up somewhere. He doesn’t blame the man. Happy would hide too, if everyone and everything he enjoyed was taking a few steps to the left to no longer be associated with him. He really hopes Tony’s not drinking too much. Billionaire or not, Tony can still get cirrhosis. 

What Happy feels good about is Pepper playing with Natalie the PA. He runs a red light describing how Pepper’s fingers fit inside Natalie. There’s traffic coming directly at him, but he doesn’t get T-boned so it’s fine.

*  
Some heavy shit is going down at Stark Expo. There are flying knock-off versions of the Ironman armour all over the goddamn place, and Happy wants to do his part, wants to kick some ass. But Natalie wants to go and the bottom line is Happy’s the Stark Industries driver. If she’s gotta go somewhere, he’s gotta take her. And not let her drive because hell no. This is his _job_. You don't see him trying to PA people.

It’s just automatic to look back when Natalie is in the back seat. But clearly this is a different situation because she just snaps at him to keep his eyes on the road.

*

Pepper’s almost screaming in pleasure. She’s as loud as Happy’s ever heard her, a fact which he relates more than once because Tony preens each time he says it.

They’re using a toy again. It’s a variable speed vibrator, fire engine -or Ironman- red, plain smooth plastic. Pepper’s screams are broken up with her moaning no’s that mean yes when Tony turns up the speed a little more and makes her come again. It’s been five times since they got in the car. It’s impossible to look away from. Happy only manages when a car horn blares and he realises he’s half in the next lane. He hasn’t hit anyone, but neither lane is very happy.

*

For a few months it’s back to Pepper and Tony. Then Happy gets a midnight call to pick Tony up. He sighs, says he’ll be right there, then pulls on his slacks over his sleeping boxers. The tie he just slings around his neck before he grabs his keys. He can tie it during a red light on the way there. 

Tony has Natalie and a one eyed black man with him. The other man doesn’t get into the car. Tony and Natalie both get in the back seat.

“Call Pepper.”

Happy picks up his cell from the drink holder and tries. It rings three times before going to voicemail. He can feel the weight of Tony’s stare, so he tries Pepper’s work number, just in case. That doesn’t pick up either. “She’s not answering.”

“Damn. Fine. Text her everything me and Natasha do. Feel free to use abbreviations.”

*

It isn’t much after that when Pepper, Tony, and Natasha -because yeah, it’s actually Natasha, not Natalie, turns out the reason she kicked so much Hammer Industries ass is because she’s a fucking badass spy- all squeeze into the back seat at the same time. It’s the first threesome Happy’s had to narrate, and for all that none seem truly jealous, there’s a definite sense of competition in their kissing.

Just when Happy’s get bored talking about the way Pepper’s tongue moves in Natasha’s mouth, Natasha and Tony start stripping. They each shrug off their jackets and that’s when the real fun begins. Natasha begins to unbutton Tony’s dress shirt, none too gently. Happy can swear he feels a button hit the back of his head. The top half of Pepper’s dress flops down to her waist as she gets in on the action.

Happy feels not one iota of guilt for driving up onto the curb and into a lamppost when Pepper cries with the sensation of Natasha's fingers pushing inside her along Tony’s cock. The sudden jarring is not enough to stop them either. Happy doesn’t bother to call a tow truck. Tony will probably want to use the suitcase armour to fly home and get his own tools. Ever since SHIELD Tony’s gotten a lot more paranoid about bugs.

“I have to call a cab,” Natasha says after she comes. “I have to catch my ride.” Happy thought he was her ride, but apparently not. It must be a spy thing. It hasn’t even been a sixty seconds of afterglow, but she slips out of the car looking perfectly put together. Something in the front of the car creaks when the door slams.

“So that was fun,” Tony says, breaking up the silence like he always has to.

“Fun one time, or-” Not that they’ll answer him. That’s not how this work. Part of the Skinner conditioning.

But Pepper does, with a sigh. “We don’t know. Not really. She says she has to go to Brazil for a few months, but considering her, well, everything, that probably means a few days in each of Southeast Asia’s most populous cities.”

“But we would, if she would,” Tony finishes with an equally heavy sigh.

Shit. Who would have thought emotions would be one of the dangers of being a Stark Industries driver? Give him his car being sliced in half with lightning whips any day.


End file.
